3 More Days

..'til I return back to Malaysia for good after my 2 years of studies in the UK.

Prior to this, I gave myself an ample amount of time to think and reflect back on my journey here and I must say it was rather enlightening. For the past few weeks, many of my friends have asked me how do I feel about leaving the UK. Am I ready to leave?  Am I ready to return home? What is home? There are no easy answers.

I count myself fortunate to have met many people from different countries and background (one of the beauty I like about it here!) whilst in the UK and they would ask about Malaysia and my own background story. So I've summarised my usual answers to 3 simple ones:

"It's hot all year round in Malaysia"
"I grew up speaking 4 languages"
"Malaysian food is amazing"

Little did I know, I started to reflect more on my own country than I did while back at home. It kinda made me realise how blessed I was to be able to speak so many languages, to have Summer for 365 days (absolutely loathe Winter except when it snows) and to be so in love with our national dish "Nasi Lemak" (well at least we can claim that that's ours and be proud of it. Hah!).

It was always a bittersweet relationship between Malaysia and me. I've never been able to truly understand my country when I was back there so it was pleasantly surprising to be able to appreciate her goodness and flaws now. Upon discovering about Malaysia, I also discovered a new life in the UK. All of a sudden there was this new Jean in the UK too. I remember the excitement of going onto the plane with a one-way ticket and bid Malaysia goodbye for my new and mysterious beginning in the land of Jane Austen, Harry Potter and "cheerio" (never actually heard anyone saying that here).

The capability of being independent and brave in a foreign country well exceed my initial expectation. The first 2 months were the hardest: adjusting to the cold weather, the shops close at 6PM, and most difficult of all, trying to understand the local accent (and I'm still having trouble understanding some thick ones!) and its culture. On a serious note, dealing with racism and bullying was also a big part of my life here. These are the stories that people don't usually openly talk about because it's unpleasant and we don't want to worry our family back home after they have spent a fortune on our overseas education.

Snowy morning // View from my room window

I've grown to love, hate, appreciate and cherish this Jean in the UK. It has been an incredible journey of self-reflection, overcoming challenges and finding who I want to be. No parents, no friends, no commitment. It was like starting afresh; the second chance in life to be the person I want to be. I must honestly say I am not perfect and neither will I be but, I'm beginning to accept myself more by the day. To be who I really want to be and most importantly, to have met everyone from different walks of life that has helped shape me into who I am today. 2 years may seem like a short time but I've learned so much and grown so much as a person than I could have done so in Malaysia (this is for me personally; I can't say the same for other Malaysians abroad).

After my undergraduate degree, I had a strong urge to stay on for another year for my Masters and I did. I was not ready to go home yet. There was something more for me in the UK than in Malaysia. So after my Master's degree, I hesitated going back to Malaysia because I'm already well adjusted to the life here. Between my dissertation hand-in in September to my graduation in December, I began to feel a sense of closure. It's not because I was going to graduate but rather, it was like my time in the UK is done and I was at peace with it. I was ready to close this chapter of my UK life. And it comforts me to know that someone else would be beginning their chapter of their lives in the UK as I close mine. But, nevertheless, going back to Malaysia terrifies me a little.

My life back home has been on a pause since I left but others have to move on with their life without me there. And now, after 2 years and so many things happening in between, going back home to "unpause" my life, to fit back into my familiar place is kind of intimidating. Where do I begin again? Drifted apart friendships would now have to reconnect again. A place of familiarity has become unfamiliar to me. Torn apart between two realities and identities; there will always be a part of me from Malaysia and another part of me from the UK. Time will only tell when I will find a balance between these two worlds to meet.

So to end this post, I'm still very much excited to be home albeit nervous if I must say so. From the bottom of my heart, I'm glad I have met everyone in the UK for creating these incredible and unforgettable memories for me. I wish you the best in life and I hope we'll meet somewhere in the world again.

Let's not be strangers,
JC.

Why bother with a Master's?

Who would have thought that enrolling into a Master's programme could ultimately break me mentally and emotionally? For 23 years of my life, I've never felt that I could fail myself in this arduous journey. For some, it may just be a phase of their lives that they will soon forget this hardship. For others, especially students who are like me, coming from a different cultural background, country, language differences while pursuing an education in the UK, this may be one of our poignant experiences in our lives.

I always thought that I was a B average student, a 2:1 student who could have gotten a first if I just tried harder. After embarking on this Master's degree, I can say that my confidence has been shaken to the very core. With the added pressure and the extremely expensive tuition fees, you just can't help yourself but avoid disappointing your parents back home. After all, it was my decision to continue for another year in the UK. I could have gone home to find a job, earn a decent enough income (we all know that's impossible in KL), and kick start my career.

Within the last 2 months, I have broken down multiple times with chest heaving sobs while the world spins around me. Telling myself that it's impossible to do this. That it is too much for me to handle. I just want to go home and be comforted by my parents. That it's all going to be ok if I decided to quit right now. But you know what's the hardest part? This would be the last of my academic milestone and I'm about to reach the finishing line.

I cannot stress how mentally and emotionally drained I am. I don't want to make small talks with friends. I don't want to play catch up with people back home. I cannot bare the emotional baggage of hearing another person's worries and sad stories when I, myself, am trying to get a grip on my own mental stability. Does that make me a selfish prick? Aren't we all sort of tied to the invisible thread of sociomoral obligations? Of being the good friend who puts other people first than themselves. Or maybe it's just my sociomoral obligations that I made myself believe in. Just 4 more days before I hand in my last essay before I begin my dissertation project. I have 0 words in. I have already written 10,000 words in the last month and another 2500 words to go. It doesn't seem much but I am this close to throwing the towel in. I can't imagine completing my dissertation project with another 15000 words.

I just hope that the following months will be better, it must get better from hereon. I keep telling myself that it is all worth it, that I may finally know what I am about to do with my life after this (either going into policymaking or political research). I don't want this to be just another phase of life that would come to pass, I want to remember that I was weak and I need to acknowledge my current mental and emotional health. We see graduation photos as just another milestone in the lives of other people, but we will never truly understand the background journey of them getting there in the first place.

Staying strong,
JC

Be More Than Yesterday

I don't know about you but I always catch myself thinking about life all the time. I despise living in the present but I'm afraid to live in the future because it is so uncertain.

I've never been to a palm reader, tarot card or any sort of those things that can let me have a glimpse into my future. I'm utterly curious to know though. But does knowing it afterwards will help me to live my daily life normal again or with a certain fear that- the predictions might damn well come true one day.

I'd like to think that we have this extraordinary calling in life that just hits you when you're least expecting it. That one day we might quit our desk job and do something wild and crazy and hilariously unexpected of us. This season of my life that I'm at right now, graduating from my Degree and continuing on with my Masters. It's like I'm living each year from an uncertainty to another uncertainty. Of what, where, who, why that might bring me to my next phase in life, I have no idea.

But despite all of those uncertainties, I want to do more with my life, more than what I am capable of, more than I am asked of, more than I could expect of myself.

Funny though, I've grown and done more in the UK within a year than I ever did with my 22 years in Malaysia. I was always occupying myself and my time when I should be solely focusing on my studies. Balancing a part time job in a restaurant with my Degree and socialising with friends and new people. On top of that, travelling to various countries and cities I've never been to. Plus, doing all the grocery, cooking and laundry by myself (it's really time consuming! Thanks mother!). Sometimes I even ask myself how did I pull through all of those and still able to graduate with a 2:1.

With another year in the UK for my Masters, I'm beginning to realise that time may no longer be a friend of mine. That my priorities will shift, that I'll be 23 years old, that it's time to grow up and be serious about life. Be serious about the people I meet and are able to influence me personally.

It is true of what people say, the older you grow, the fewer friends you'll have. Ultimately, I realised that by being single, it gives me more time to do more for others and for myself. I've grown to be not afraid of being alone but I'm afraid of heading towards somewhere that has so many uncertainties I can't control. Does it make sense at all?

Be Brave,
JC

Be The Inspiration

It is always during those random late nights where you try to sleep and your brain just keeps on thinking about things that, as much as as you try to suppress it, you can't stop yourself from thinking about it.

So here I am, huddling under my cover in my depressingly cold bedroom at the top floor of my flat, thinking about where would I end up at after graduating this Summer. To be honest, I really would like to stay on for my Masters in the UK. But my heart is already at somewhere else. I don't know where but I think I'm coming to the acceptance stage where my journey in the UK is really coming to an end.

It's been almost 5 months since I got here. I've changed inevitably in so many ways I couldn't comprehend. The way I speak, the people that have came into my life and impacted me to think differently. To be more open to new ideas and cultures. It's terrifying but it shouldn't short change your experience of studying abroad. I'm glad that some things happened the way it did. Or else I wouldn't have discover that I could be courageous and independent for my own sake. Ha. And learning how to cook!

This just struck me minutes before I started writing this but maybe, just perhaps, I don't need to stay on in the UK to make my life happier, contented and what not. People think that if they continue to stay on in the UK it would do good for them in terms of getting a job or a citizenship and the most common of all, better quality of living. But what I finally understood is that there are plenty of opportunities out there that offers the same or maybe even better experiences one could have had if they step foot elsewhere. It's not wrong to try your best to get a job in the foreign country that you had study at. My cousin landed a job in the states last year after studying for almost 4 years in engineering. I'm pretty sure he's not gonna be going back to Malaysia anytime soon.

But what I'm trying to say is, we all can make our own adventure wherever we go, whoever we meet. I once ask a friend of mine what was his plans after graduating in the UK. Instead of giving me the cliché answer of "I'll try to get a job here." He told me that he'll go wherever the circumstances would bring him to. And that inspired me so much to be open about my decision after I leave Sunderland.

I hope that wherever I end up at in the future, I'll be able to inspire the people there. Just as much as I've been inspired by my friends here in the small town Sundy.

Be Inspiring,
JC

One Week From Now I'll Be

One week from now I'll be standing in Newcastle Airport looking perplexed while waiting for my luggage bag to arrive at the conveyer belt. I will curse of how tiring the 18 hours journey has been but thankful for the safe journey landing in Amsterdam (transit) and in Newcastle.

One week from now I'll be 6583 miles away from my home, my Subang Jaya, where I've grew up in my entire life. I will be welcomed by the University's hospitality team at the airport and they will help me settle into my new home which I will call it my fairytale room, overseeing the Sunderland bridge and the North Sea.

One week from now I'll be living a new chapter of my life that I've never expected I'd be living it. I'll be meeting new friends during the Freshers Week. I might dread it but I know it's something I need to do before everyone forms their own circle of friends and I'll be the outcast *silent cringe*. I will tell myself that I can do this and did not come all the way here just to hide in my own room.

One week from now I'll be looking forward to finally be independent from my family. No one to take care of me but myself. No one to tell me if I get home too late but myself. I will love this new found freedom of my 21 years. I will also hate this new found freedom and try very hard to stay grounded and be a responsible adult/student.

___

Lots of people have asked me if I'm excited, scared or prepared for this 1 year study abroad. To be honest, my answers have always been either excited or scared. But nothing can truly prepare me well enough for this new chapter, not even the people who have been there, done that. No matter how many advices people gave me regarding studying abroad and fitting in to the Western culture, I don't think it's enough to mentally process it until I have truly arrived at there and lived it.

But for now, I wished I had more time to meet more people before I go abroad. Then again, I want to be at home for my parents. Knowing it'll be difficult for them without me at home (I'm an only child). I apologise to you if I did not ask you out for a meal before I leave, know that you are always welcome to visit me in the UK if I happened to still be there then.

"One year is very fast. Next thing you know, you'll be making friends there and you'll be coming home already." are what most people told me. But I don't want it to be fast, I want it to be worth it. I don't want to think about home when I'm there. I don't want to miss the Malaysian food or the weather. I'll make it a goal to accomplish a list of things while I'm there and one of it is to learn the accent. Yes, I'm one of those people who speaks a funny English accent just because.

One week from now, one month from now or one year from now.. I know I'll be a different person. Till then, this Jean is here to stay for a week more.

xoxo,
JC.

One For The Books

It's been a while since I last posted photos of my fabulous and wonderful parents... So here they are! (Gleeing like a 5 year old back in Kindie when her parents picks her up from school) 

Proud Asian parents they are at my FYP showcase back in 7 November 2014. I really am behind my game here aren't I? Well, better late than never!

Much loves,
Jean
Daughter of Two Very Proud Asian Parents Who Choose To Go Into Filming Than Accounting
(This could be my official sign off someday. Hah!)

When The Candle Blows Out

Dear friends who still reads my lonesome blog,

My life is a mess. Not in a way like oh-shit-I-have-no-idea-what-to-do-next but more like why-is-everything-everywhere and I-don't-want-to-care-anymore kinda mess.

Truth to be told, I'm second guessing if this stress load is worth my time and effort. I have chosen the road less taken. The intriguing roller coaster ride. The banishment of joy. The sorrow that created Edvard Munch's The Scream painting. But I'm still alive.

Deliberating the pathway to my future, I need to 'suck up' to this immense stressful times and measure the benefits of this experience that I would somehow gain from it to be put to practice in my future career as (hopefully and maybe) a lecturer/advisor.

As quoted by David Duchemin, he said "Failure is a much more faithful teacher than immediate success." Clearly he has not been in a position where failure is not allowed or he would have said "Everyone else fails but me, because I'm Asian and I was created to prove the impossible." Damn straight son.

Very stereotyping, I know. But it's true.

Till then,
Jean
High Achiever Asian Girl Wannabe